{October 1, 2008}   So Discouraged

Ok, this is your first and only warning:  I WILL WHINE ENDLESSLY IN THIS BLOG!

Now that we’re past that, let me tell you how I’ve been feeling lately:  discouraged.

My determination to do anything with myself has withered to nothing.  I barely feel like getting out of bed in the morning.  I’m working at a job that pays $10 an hour and my determination to change that?  Gone.  I made the decision to go to grad school and I just don’t believe in myself enough to make that committment and succeed.  What is wrong?  What happened to the ‘me’ that wanted to make something of herself, be the one that got somewhere in life?  I was so driven in high school and college.  Maybe because I was too optimistic and didn’t realize what the real world had to offer.  Nothing.  I feel like I’m drifting through days waiting for something that will never come.  And it’s all my fault.

When I sit down and think about what I really want to achieve in life, I just do not know.  I don’t have a goal.  Starting a family has never been a priority for me.  Right now I can’t even look forward to a wedding because I know we just won’t be able to afford it.  He’s really the only thing I look forward to every day.  And actually… that scares me.  I told myself I would never depend on a man to make me happy again… and I’m blowing it.  If I don’t love me right now, I don’t know how he can.

What can I do?  Where can I get the proverbial ‘kick in the rear’ to get my life going?  Because I know what I want to do with my life: play.  ‘Playing’ to me means drawing, designing, painting, being crafty, and being artistic in general, but again, the confidence and determination I may have once had: gone.  Gone. 

You want to know what I haven’t blogged or had any relative internet presence for the past 3 months?  I hate this town, the people aren’t hospitable, and I’ve gained a rediculous amount of weight from stress, exhaustion, and depression.  So I’ll tell you I’m ‘fine,’ or ‘hanging in there.’  But really, I’m so down and out.  Who wants to hear about that?



What am I going to do?


Oz says:

I know its sounds cliche, but you’re going to have low points.

I think of this as a movie. The main character kinda feels down, *musical montage* etc. But its not going to last forever, the happy ending will come.

You just have to ride this out. Trust me, you’re not going to feel like this forever.

So soak it in, learn from this situation, turn it around. You might not feel so motivated, but take some kind of mental notes. Work this in your favor. Take confidence at least in the fact this will end soon.

Hang in there babe.

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