So I have this awesome job, a great hubby, and I’m pretty durn happy.

I feel like I’ve just woken up from a year long rut.  You guys may not know this, but the whole fire thing shook me up a lot worse that I let on.  I’m still dealing with the psychological after-effects, but I think the depression is clearing up. I haven’t felt like myself or looked like myself.  I would look in the mirror and be sad because it was like looking at a stranger.  My face, my eyes, my smile:  all different!  But now I can finally see myself as that different person and accept it.  It’s still me, I just have more experiences and new challenges.  There is some fine tuning I need to do as far as feeling comfortable in my own skin, but it’s only now that I actually feel like doing something about it.

It may be the new year bringing this on, or that our luck is turning around… whatever it is, I surely know who to thank

Hello.  My prefix is now Mrs.  Teehee.

On July 18, I got married to my hubby at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.  The ceremony was beautiful, the reception was fun, and it was a whirlwind.  I need another vacation.  Although it was most excellent to get away from everything for a few days.  And even though we lost some money, I think we both came back much richer. 

This weekend we moved to Houston in a new apartment with both our names on the lease.  We’re very pleased that we can call this apartment “ours.”  We still have a lot of unpacking to do.  The cats are still going crazy, but we’re super happy. 

I don’t know if I’m going to go back to school in the fall or not.  I’m having a career crisis, so until I figure it out, I’m not going to keep throwing money away on classes I might not ever use.

I’m going to try to enjoy life right now for what it is and not let it get me down, despite any challenges it brings.

I’ve been thinking alot about my relationship with God lately.  I guess it’s been triggered by the huge events that have happened in my life over the last two years.  And I find that I’m asking myself “why”?  I appreciate the fact that he saved our lives in Garland, but I’m wondering why we even had to end up there.  And why it seems we’ve had such bad luck, even though some really good things are also happening at the same time.  Is it my inability to see through the bad?  Because it’s kind of hard when the bad things seem to outweigh the good.  I know that people all over the world are experiencing difficult times right now, but I also have to take my life into my hands.  And that’s also a problem, because how much am I supposed to leave to the big man upstairs?  It seems I’ve been struggling to please everyone.  Everyone, including God.  Trying to do the right thing and at the same time live a life worth living.  I want to do things for myself but I always end up having this overwhelming guilt and then not finishing or following through on things.  Then I feel like I’ve disappointed everyone, including myself.

How do you make yourself happy and make everyone else happy too?

I don’t go to God’s house very often at all; I haven’t been in probably 3 years.  I want to, because I always feel better after I do, but it’s like I’m scared.  The last time was when I visited the Shrine of our Lady Guadalupe down in the Valley and I broke down and cried.  I guess I don’t like that feeling, even if it is a release.  My family never really went to church, so it’s not ingrained in me as something I’m supposed or have to do.  That I should go because I need to, because I want to.  We have our own private relationship with God, and I appreciate it.

I have so much to thank God for, and I always say I’m going to leave it my life up to him, but it’s very hard to put your trust in Him when you don’t feel like you’ve earned it.  How do I get back to that point where I feel comfortable again asking Him for strength? 

Note:  This is just a reflection of hypothetical questions.  You can comment if you like, but don’t preach to me or tell me I need to go to church.  I find it overly righteous and hypocritical when people do that, so if you wanna offer unattached support, I’m down, but if not, please keep it to yourself.  Fanks.

Here’s my shameless plug for the week!

Please visit my new Etsy site!  I have jewelry and jewelry supplies that you can use to make new works or even improve old ones!

 

http://lexipants.etsy.com

 

Please take a look.  Everything is hand made!

 

Love,

Lexi

I’m in a pretty good mood today. We’ve finally made a decision to stay in the Houston area.  I got a new job at an import store, which even though the manager is a little crazy and the owner a little nosy, I think I’ll feel more comfortable there than working at the The Home Depot.  Cause seriously, this place just isn’t for me.  As soon as I saw the owner wearing flip flops, I was sold.  Plus there should be some homework downtime.

I’m going to go to PT school at UTMB.   I’m more than likely going to be finishing up my pre-req’s at Alvin Community College, that is, if we decide to live in Pearland.  There aren’t many affordable apartment options in this area, so we’ll see.  But we’ll be moving in July, not sure exactly when.  I’m eager to have my own place again, we’re just so cramped at my parents’.  We’ll be forever grateful that they took us in after the fire, but I’m sure they’re as eager as we are for us to move out.

I’m getting married in 1.5 months.  I can’t believe how close it is.  My bridal shower is tomorrow.  I don’t know if anyone RSVP’d, probably just a little bit of family, but I’m still excited to have a little get together.  It’s like a birthday party for your wedding!

Other than that, trying to stay positive.  Life seems so, so hard, but I just have to remember where I’m going to end up.  We’re getting it together and not giving up.  I’ve met so many different people since working part time, and their stories are pretty crazy.  If they can make it back from near death, drugs, and/or abusive partners, I’m pretty sure we’ll be okay.

I haven’t had much of an online presence for a really long time. I’d say it’s because I’m never in front of a computer anymore, but really, it’s because I lost interest. They say when you lose interest in the things you love, you’re depressed. I was for a little while, but I’m learning to appreciate this life more and more everyday.  And I’m getting married in two months, which is super exciting, since it’s, you know a huge step in life and all, plus we get a mini wonderful vacation out of it since we’re getting married in Las Vegas.  (MGM Grand Wedding Chapel, Saturday, July 18, 2009, at 2pm!) I’m a little sad we don’t get to have a real honeymoon, but we’ll be able to do that later.  Maybe we’ll get to take a cruise.  They’re so romantic.  And OH how I love to travel.

I do wish for a different job everyday.  I’ve been at my current hourly wage for almost a year now and have probably complained the entire time.  And now they’ve started cutting my hours.  Which, even though I don’t want to be here, I still make plenty of sales for the store for just being part time.  So I try to be thankful that I even have a job, even though management are nazis and I have to watch over my shoulder every day. 

Almost every day I find new inspiration to keep going to school so I can go to grad school and do what I need to do.  It’s not as if it’s my dream to do what I’m doing, it’s more like I feel like this is what I was supposed to do.  I don’t know if that makes sense.  But I feel like the job I will come out with will be much more meaningful to me than making pretty advertisements.  I just know that if I have to work at this place more than another year I would seriously consider hurting myself just to get out of it.  I probably wouldn’t do it, but if it’s not hell, it’s at least purgatory.

Anywho, that’s all I’ve really been up to.  School and work.  I never have a real day off because I go to school during the week and work Thursday through Sunday.  I’m burning out so hard.  But I try to remind myself every day it will all be worth it later.  We’re in limbo about where we’re going to live, if we’re going to move near or far from where we are right now, and I hate not knowing.  Some big decisions are a-brewin.  Yikes.

Hey check out these eco-friendly reusable bags. They don’t have a brand logo on them so you don’t feel weird taking an HEB bag to Kroger. They’re also pretty. They’re about $5 each. I haven’t bought one yet, but I plan to!

http://hotsacks.catapultdev.com/templates/home_page.php?pageid=1

July 18, 2009!

Details TBA…

http://www.krossmedia.net/NU_Eric_Stadler.pdf

Let me start by saying we’re ok, our cats are ok, our stuff is mostly ok. Here’s what happened, I’ll try to get through it all. I have to warn you, it gets kind of detailed and gory, so brace yourself if you need to.

This past Sunday morning at about 8am, half asleep we heard smoke alarms going off in the apartment right below us and a lot of banging around. We were getting annoyed because like in most apartments, when you cook the smoke alarms go off, or you have noisy neighbors.

Then our smoke alarms went off.

We got out of bed and put pants on. Damion went downstairs and there was smoke coming out of our fireplace. The cats were huddled together under my coffee table. We put on shoes, I grabbed my purse, we managed to grab and hold the cats and walked calmly out of the apartment. We were on auto pilot. We walked downstairs and as soon as we got to our normal breezeway exit, there were flames on the front side of the building.

Everything was in slow motion.

There was a fire fighter yelling at us to walk down to the other side. We walked around and saw the beginning of the devastation. We continued on to our car,which just so happened was parked away from our building. There was no parking the night before. We threw the cats in the car and I lost it.

The flames were overtaking the whole front side of the apartments and I just knew that was it for our apartment. Then they started bringing people out. The first human we saw rescued was a tiny baby whose eyes were wide open and the firefighter checked to see if it was still breathing. The second was a man they had to bring out in a blanket that was already bloody and who they had to resuscitate. The third was a woman, who they had to fireman-carry out of the third story, also bloody.

These images will never leave me. I still see them clearly.

We had a friend living in the same complex that also works with us. I called her to ask if we could get in from the cold. Emergency vehicles surrounded the complex, as two cities responded to this 2-alarm fire. She called out from work, despite the flack she received from work, helped us, and helped random people who were waiting for the outcome of the disaster.

About 3 hours later everything had calmed down, but there were still emergency vehicles in the complex starting their investigation. We managed to sneak around to see the backside of the building. No fire damage. Both of our apartment doors were wide open. All of our stuff was in tact.

We called our parents and mine hopped up and were in Garland within 4/4.5 hours. In the meantime, about 3.5 hours later they let us back in our apartment to get “essentials.” Damion had just done laundry the day before while I was at work, and luckily, we had a lot of clothes still in the baskets. We got toiletries and the cat carriers, and that’s what we have with us right now. The smell in the apartment was so overpowering. We already know our bed is not going to be usable because of smoke damage, and our couch too.

The apartment managers are letting us out of our lease. We have to wait to hear back from them to see when we can go get the rest of our stuff. We haven’t had much luck since we’ve been in Dallas and the Dallas area, and I can’t think of a better sign that someone doesn’t want us to live there. So right now we’re staying with my parents and we’re going to relocate to Brazoria county, most likely Pearland, until I get accepted to grad school. Damion is already working on transferring to a new Home Depot, and I managed to register for classes at Houston Community College in Missouri City. We’ll be here until I find a job or transfer and we can afford a rent and bills.

So far, the man they pulled out from the upstairs unit, who happened to be the dad of the baby and significant other to the woman they pulled out, didn’t make it. The last we heard,the mom and baby were in critical condition. I can’t think of a worse tragedy. And we witnessed it.

I couldn’t feel luckier, and so glad to be alive.

Thank you Amanda, I don’t know what we would have done without you. The kitties thank you too.

Thank you Damion, you were my rock, I can’t imagine what would have happened or what I would have done had you not been there.

Thank you mom and dad, just for being there when I needed you.

Thank you God.